Monday, January 4, 2010

Blind with Love

Crazy feeling right now, that feeling which makes you wondered if you were being followed. I look back in the crowd of people that was in my sight but, I was looking for that person that is guilty of being my starker, but with no luck. I didn’t want to mess up my day with my boyfriend of a year now, Caleb, especially since I convinced him to go “little black dress” shopping. No man wants to be drag around the galleria, on high noon Saturday, without entertainment for them. He was a trooper, well he had to, because I’m a shopper in heart, and I don’t make up my mind until you shake the crap out of me and tell me the honest opinion, not the “yeah that’s nice” speech so we can leave the store. Anyway I’m drifting away from what is really going on, that someone is following us. So I asked Caleb to look this time, he gave me that blank stare, and then turned around.

“Yeah Moni, some black dude was walking near us, but when I turned, he bolted to Gucci Store, want to see who it is?”

Of course I want to see who it is! Especially since he bolted to Gucci, gives me a reason to walk in the store, with the no money I have and to look around, pretending I have a black card. So I just grab his hand and walked over to see HIM. Damn it, of all the people in the world, why would it have to be Dwight. That man was reason why I couldn’t trust men for years, the bitter woman that I was for many years about relationships. My college love, the man that blinded me from common sense. That was Dwight.

See Dwight was a guy I met after my first my love broke my heart during my freshman year in college. I met him at the club, (strike one), already blinded my rage and drinks, he would just smile and dance with me. I loved his smile, very Morris Chestnut. Then he pulled me aside and whispered that he wanted to talk to me in a quiet place. I pointed to the parking lot, and told my friends to come with me. They agreed, and I talked to Dwight at the parking lot for hours. It was nice, talking about my first love, him talking about his recent breakup, and how we wanted to find someone to hang out with that could understand how to really be in a relationship. He made me feel, safe after the few hours of talking, and I thought it was love in first sight. Numbers was exchanged, calls were made, dates began, and then sex was in the picture. After a month of dating, I thought he was the one, and after three months, he asked me to marry him. (strike two). He asked while we were walking on the boardwalk in Kemah. It was perfect. This was the perfect relationship, everyone couldn’t understand how this relationship was going so quickly, and worked. It think it was because we saw each other so much, and were in this sex, didn’t want to get hurt again, haze that our common sense button didn’t work at the time. The sixth month of us dating, he slowly became distant. I didn’t like that, because I made him my world, I was so deep in this haze that nothing else mattered, but him. He would be going to Humble, which is 20 minutes away from Houston, more and more. He would go and visit is cousin a lot more. I would ask to him if I could go with him and he would flatly tell me no. Common Sense Button WORK!!! But it didn’t, and I didn’t question him. I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to be broken again, but after a month of him doing this behavior, I was already feeling these things. So while we were having dinner, I got the nerve to ask him while he was talking about the wedding to be. I hold on to my ring and asked him “Dwight, whats going on in Humble?” He cut his baked chicken, sip on a glass of water, then said, “Monique, I am visiting my child, and my baby mother. They live in Humble, and I’m trying to figure out what to do with them.” Looked at me, and then ate his chicken. He just told me that he has a child, and a babymomma. He had told me in the past, that he didn’t have kids. He never talked about a child. Or a baby momma. He even said that he wasn’t sure he didn’t want kids until we turned 30. Never added this topic in our long talks we had at nights, or even our quick I love you phone calls. Nothing about a kid. Nothing about another woman. I stare about my glass of tea for about a couple of minutes while Dwight would pretend that this chicken dinner was the best in the world. (Strike 3, Red Soxs win). Then he cleared his throat and said “Moni, don’t be mad, its just a child. And I haven’t slept with his mother in a month, I just want you”. Common Sense button blinked in red. I looked at the ice tea glass, saw it being picked up, and saw it being thrown at Dwight. Then I saw me walking to the door, I saw me going to the nearest gas station, I saw me calling my friend Tyense. I saw him coming to pick me up ten minutes later. I saw Dwight running after the car. I saw me going home to my bed, then I saw darkness. I had my first panic attack. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t leave my room for two days. Dwight came the third day telling me that I was selfish to leave him, and that he wanted me and his baby momma to get to know each other since he wanted both of his in his life. He wanted his cake and eat it too. That he knew about his child after the first month of dating, but he was so happy with me that he didn’t want to break up with me. Also he liked his baby momma, so he didn’t want to end that too. He wanted both of us, living together after I’m done with college. O and after college, he didn’t want me to go to grad school, he felt that he should be the bread winner, and I shouldn’t make more money than him. He said all this with a straight face. I threw my ring with a stone face. I went back in my room, but I couldn’t cry. I didn’t feel anything. My emotion button was broken. I was 20 years old then, and I didn’t believe in love anymore. It took me 7 years to really let myself love again because I had this issue about trust. I never would tell my friends about my issues because I didn’t want to be bitter about love to them. I would give them advice about how to be healthy in relationships, but I didn’t use it for myself. I was afraid and I couldn’t come to terms with those feelings until I met Caleb, who taught me to not be. The funny thing about Dwight was after our break up, he would call me to tell me that he made a mistake. That his baby momma became a lesbian and that he found out that it wasn’t his child. He would call me on my birthday and on Thanksgiving, the day he asked me to marry him. The last 3 years I didn’t pick up his calls. He couldn’t bring me down, I couldn’t be with a man that had that mind set. He made me still believe that love in first sight is for suckers. But I thank him for teaching me a lesson that some people learn while they were in a marriage.

Back to Gucci, when I saw him, I didn’t want to throw anything at him, or scream at him. I didn’t want to hurt him like he hurt me, because it wasn’t worth the reaction. I was next to someone that loved me, and I wasn’t blind by Caleb’s love, I was in love with all eyes open. I hold Caleb’s hand and said “O that just Dwight, want to get some sushi?” Caleb, who knew the story, gave a mean face towards Dwight, but then looked down at me and said “Yeah Moni, but after that, pick a dress already!” And we walked away, me giving Dwight a goodbye glance. He gave me the same and smiled.

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